Midnight Thoughts

I used you, I’m sorry.

To the guy I used for attention:
Earlier today I was driving with my phone on shuffle (as per usual) and I came across the song “she don’t love you” by Eric Paslay, and that’s when it hit me… I didn’t love you I was just lonely. I mean… don’t get me wrong I do love you, and I truly will always want the best for you I just never was IN love with you, because you see, I want the best for me too. I loved the attention you gave me. The way you made me feel wanted, interesting, and dare I say — sexy. I loved when you would tell me you love my eyes. How you love the green they show when I wear your hat. How you knew the color of my eyes and answered so fast, when I thought for sure you’d have no idea. I loved the way you would tell me a really bad joke just to see the horrid twisted up face I made at them. I loved that you thought my southern accent is cute. I loved that you thought my curves were hot, but you were encouraging when I said I wanted to lose some weight. I loved that you trusted me with your secrets. I loved that you called me the most kind person you have ever known. But truth be told I was in love with the attention, but I never was in love with you.

Oh don’t look so hurt, you were doing the same thing to me. You loved the attention. You loved the way I made you feel listened to and know that someone legitimately cared for you. You loved the plans we made knowing we would NEVER keep them. You loved having someone to talk to when you were working late, or simply couldn’t sleep (us night owls have to stick together!) You loved the kind hearted girl you knew your entire life. And when she finally gave you the attention you needed, you realized you didn’t love me after all.

I made so many efforts to show that I cared and yet, I was consistently told that I was not the one you needed attention from. You made it clear that I was a supplement, and the placebo effect had worn off far too quickly because the pain never REALLY went away. The pain that someone you used to love had changed. The pain that you couldn’t move on because she was still an option in the back of your mind. She was toxic for you and yet you ran back, time and time and time again.
Back when I actually thought i could love you, it broke my heart to have you tell me of the one that got away (because you were a dumb jerk who expected her to wait for you while you dated around). It hurt more when you would tell me that you still wanted either of the toxic relationships that followed (more than me)
And yet, after all this, I am your friend. I couldn’t give up on you. I couldn’t let the sadness take you over. I couldn’t let you think that the light at the end of the tunnel had been turned off. I only asked the “what are we?” Because I needed to know what box to put you in. I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t kiss my friends like that… but I definitely talk to my friends about the guys I want to date. I’ll confess I baited you sometimes, I told you of a hot guy to see how you would react. I would tell you about my workout and how badly I needed a shower 🙃 😉. I would tell you it was hot outside WAITING for a “like you” or “just like you” and I would constantly be disappointed. But then you’d tell me my messy hair, bad angle, no makeup snapchats were cute– crap, back to square one. You confused me more and more each day with telling me how attracted to me you are followed by telling me how amazing your ex is and how you totally want to bang *insert girl’s name here*. I think you took pleasure in watching me squirm.
But hey it’s ok now, because I know “[s]he don’t love you [s]he’s just lonely.”

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