I have been annoying my family and friends with my drama about a guy that I had once liked and now wanted to be a friend. I am no longer upset, but it isn’t yet talked out of my system so buckle up. He was a crush that I found to be a sweet friend. When he was here on his College Program we never found time to hang out–but I assumed it was from A. my lack of trying and B. our never having days off together. But well, he’s back… and it was definitely not for those 2 reasons. I have put in the effort… and I am getting none back. I have been so confused by everything that we are going through because he will say something about “I am a great friend” and then follow it up with something flirty/call me sweet heart or babe. This guy told me for months how much he missed me, how much he could not wait to see me. He made an effort to see me for 10 minutes. But I guess that was all he wanted because he’s been dodging me since. You’re caught up on my mini drama that I have been wrestling with. However, I was perusing my phone notes and came across something I had written last year and apparently never posted:
They say you’ll find love when you just stop trying but every time I stop trying I get a crush. A guy I think could actually like me and be sweet to me and he will turn out to be a great person. Which only makes things worse. These guys get my hopes up and make me think that we could be something but then I just end up “on their hook”. I’m backup. I’m not even probably first backup.
The last guy I thought I could like: so sweet, super cute, made me remember what it’s like to be treated right by a guy. He seems to throw a “I’m single” in there fairly randomly so I guessed that was for my benefit to tell me the feelings were mutual. But what seemed like moments later (probably more like a month) I asked who the girl (who showed up in a couple recent pics) he went to something was and he tells me she’s a girl who lives in his complex… that he’s been seeing.
Now I know myself and I know I have THE. MOST. EXPRESSIVE. FACE. EVER. Though I know I’m expressive I never know what my face is saying. I couldn’t tell you if my face looked sad, or confused, or surprised, or angry. But I can tell you I felt a Kaleidoscope of all of those things. Except maybe the anger. I wasn’t angry at all I just wish that my face doesn’t chose this as its go to emotion if I’m not smiling.
I was sad that I wasn’t the girl he was seeing. Sad that I got so attached to yet another idea of a great relationship, that wouldn’t be. I was confused wondering did I make up all these mutual feelings in my head? Did I make the classic mistake of misreading kindness as a connection? Was I really surprised? No, not really… by the time I asked who she was I had already guessed that was the case. as I said she had been in several pictures looking quite cozy.
But later the door creaked open for me (so many how I met your mother references here 😂). I found myself sitting there with the guy I had accepted was just a friend and he made a point to say something about how he and the girl had stopped talking. I hope I hid my excitement… I guess I did because dude still never asked me out. Well kinda. Somehow, I found myself meeting him to see a movie… somehow I found myself having dinner with him… somehow I found myself talking to him for literally hours after. And yet, I’m confused.
But here’s the thing, I’ve almost told this guy I had a crush on him a couple times but I’ve stopped myself because A. I could see him being a great friend if nothing more. I have never told any guy I’ve crushed on that I liked them but I can’t imagine the movies are wrong in saying that friendships are ruined in this way. B. I’m truly horrified of the idea of rejection. Sure everyone is, but it’s so crippling being a people pleaser sometimes. C. He’s leaving. One of the things about working for Disney is that they have SUCH a high turnover rate. And it’s designed that way with probably 50% of the cast being made up of interns that could have as long as a year program but as short as 3 months. And this guy’s 7 months is up. And unfortunately for so many cast members, especially college program members, it is just a job. These jobs don’t necessarily relate to the degrees we have been working toward or the careers that we have dreamt about. Fortunately for me my degree lead me to this amazing place. Unfortunately it means I have to get good at goodbyes.
I joking told my brother “it’ll probably come out in a drunken Snapchat back when he’s Texas” and it may but what would come of that? A person I have to move on from? Or a person I’m attached to slowly fades away.
This guy has been giving me mixed signals for damn near 2 years now and I am over it. For the record, I did end up telling him I liked him–but he in turn told me he also liked me.