This is for all the people who are irritated by the cliches that people in relationships think are advice. All the: “you’ll find them when you least expect it”, “work on yourself”, “put yourself out there”. I am here to explain the “bad” advice that everyone gives before I get in a relationship. Yes, you heard me… I am still single. So you can trust that I am still out here one of you, but I just get it now and want to share my insights before I can no longer articulate them correctly.
So I did it, I took the rude advice and I went hard on the “work on yourself”. I have listened to 4 years of podcasts, found a church I feel at home in, journaled, prayed and cried out (to God and my mom) about my single whoas. I have felt hopeless, unloveable, used, and lonely. But I have also had a full life: celebrating friends weddings, book club coffee dates, my niece being born, my friends joining me at 30, a promotion, and countless trips. This is where you probably expect me to say “keep living life” and yes you would be correct, but I would also say don’t let life harden you. In fact, let life soften you. Allow others’ experiences to give you perspective. Get to know people and listen to the stories–hear how life isn’t all the highlight reel we put out to the world. Get out of your own head, because though we comprehend that no one’s life is perfect we rarely understand it.
“Put yourself out there” I did not realize I wasn’t putting myself out there… I’m not someone who has my groceries and everything else delivered, I go to work and church, and I love going out with friends. So if you are like me and still exist in the world–recognizing that the only guys knocking on your door are trying to sell you solar or water filtration systems–you may wonder what else could you possibly have to do?! Take your headphones out. Just try it, I promise you will have plenty of time to listen to all those podcasts I was talking about driving or doing housework. Not only does it make you more approachable, but listening to the world around you is another part of softening you to the life and perspectives around you. With headphones in I stay in my head, in my world, in my own self perpetuated problems. The other piece of “putting yourself out there” is not treating anyone like they could be the one–AKA trying to not expect it. And I hate to admit it but something feels different… But what is it?
I have not had a date since 2019–well I had not until this week where I had 2 with 2 different men. And while the men had not change since 2019… I have. Before 2019, I had boundaries that I didn’t know how to defend so they were easily pushed around. I was flattered by lustful men and their compliments. I allowed my heart to be hardened and walls to be built to prevent those guys from hurting me again, but it protected me from the guys who didn’t want to hurt me too. Why was 2019 my breaking point? During 2020, God welcomed home a prodigal daughter. While the world was in shambles of the life I/we knew, I was learning and growing in a faith that I thought I had always had but now it was real and MINE. No longer afraid of being left in a rapture, finally reading my bible and all the stories I had heard my whole life, no longer my parents’ faith- it was/is mine. When I was allowed to return to my real life in 2021, no longer in my bubble of my parent’s home where I had all the time in the world to read my Bible and journal, I had to learn what it meant to be an adult Christian. A child of God but not a child Christian. But I had been living on my own as an adult in the world since 2017 (2012 if you count college which I don’t know that I do). I was scared of what moving away from my family would mean for my faith. I had seen what I was capable of without God, life went on but I was an emotional stone wall.
So if nothing has changed in my physical life–ya know I am still currently single, why does it feel different?… I feel different? I’m not panicking over not getting a text back. I’d rather answer your extremely personal questions, in person. I will gladly share my boundaries and they are my strength not my weak point in a wall. I am not flattered by slight attention. There’s no pining, just genuine interest in getting to know someone. Now I realize that this may sound odd coming from the person who literally wrote about a crush about a month ago. But I cannot explain the full blown SWITCH that flipped. If you’ve heard of the “taxi cab theory” that a man will marry the one that is there when his light turns on, well women (or at least I) may have a taxi cab light theory of my own. It’s the same “I’ll flip the light on now that I’m ready to be married” but the implication is very different, at least in my mind. It’s subconscious, so it’s obnoxious to think we have been putting out an air of “don’t date/marry me”. I’ve heard people tell me that I gave off a “stay away from me” or “Miss Independent” and I was always SO annoyed at this accusation. I mean, “how dare you! I don’t want someone who can’t handle me” is what I always thought… man is that not a partner. It isn’t a good mom, wife, employee, roommate, or friend either. Basically I wasn’t ready to be with humans. This mindset will keep you and me stuck, single, and wondering why no one likes us for a very long time if not forever.
But it is wild to have gone from no dates in 5ish years to asked out twice (in the wild) in 1 week. I have been hidden and protected while I was learning what it meant to stand up for my boundaries. Hidden and protected while I learned how to not crush the type of man I have been praying for. Hidden and protected while I learned to receive a man of God. Hidden and protected while I learned to recognize the difference between love and lust. Thank. God.
*Podcasts I listened to that helped change my heart:
– Heart of Dating – Call Her Holly – The Porch – Dear Young Married Couple – Happy and Healthy – Stay True – Girls Gone Bible – Christ with Coffee on Ice-
The Wordy Over Thinker 