One of the best things about being a girl has to be the way we share about the guys we like. I always love telling and hearing about the cute moments. I told my friends I was talking to this guy, he was picking on me about the way I say “taco” and I would tease him that he sounded like “Forrest Gump”. But it went nowhere and a I got to tell my friends a new story a few months later. They listened as I explained his mental traumas and made fun of his baby name choice. And they listened as I told them the way he would confusingly tell me how much he liked me but how he loved his ex and really messed it up with her. So that went nowhere and there was a new “I was talking to a guy” story. When I told these stories I always left out the name, because well… it was a guy they had been begging me to block for years. YEARS. I let this boy rake me through the mud and use me as an emotional stomping ground for half a decade, in an on again off again [not even] romance. My friends would ask excitedly “what is his name” and I have never been good at lying.
But the other day, I was telling my mom a story a coworker shared about a guy she dated for a week. This guy canceled plans day of to hang out with someone new because he is new in town. When she asked if everything was ok, this guy claimed she was clingy… when he had been inviting her over daily. This guy also threw back at her, you knew I didn’t want a relationship claiming he wants to be friends… funny, I don’t cuddle my friends. Anyway, I told my mom the story of this trash guy and she said “why do these girls put up with this? Do they have no self respect.” I reminded her, I let X__ drag me through it for years. She got really quiet and I repeated myself, also reminding her I did finally block him!
I realized it had been a long time since I had talked to him. And I got to wondering, how long had it been and thankfully I had just the thing… A facebook message in my requests that used to read his name (I guess he blocked me too?) and it read a date I could have never guessed… October 2023. Now being a full month past the timestamp would/should be exciting enough BUT I have the satisfaction of knowing that he messaged me after a bit of a freeze out of his own. You see, we usually stopped talking after some fight where he would get mad at me for something stupid. But this time, was different, if only in my mind. I finally stood up against him for pressuring me. And he went off. I couldn’t tell you any of what he said except the “you are not better than me”. He sent a long hateful message then blocked me for me to sit and stare at it. Previously I would sulk on the messages for a day or so, tell my friends or my mom that I was finally done with him and take bets on when he would send me a message. I had experienced this scenario (with this guy) at least 5x before. And I never took any action so the cycle continued. He would get mad at me for a joke, telling him how he hurt me, or when I would ask him to visit (because of course he wasn’t even local). He would say something hateful and block me, then come back a week or month or so later with a “thinking of you”. And this time was no different, for him. Because a week or so later (really could not tell you when), I got the infamous facebook message that has sat in my message requests for over a year. Thankfully, this time WAS different for me.
So yes Mom, I have come to the realization that I did not have self respect. And to the boy who this is about, I am thinking of you for the last time. Reflecting on a year without you has been very eye opening. While it brought me peace to not have your emotional baggage to deal with, it left me alone with my own. It showed me that my addiction to attention was not as fixed as I thought it was. It forced me to hear my harshness and lack of empathy. I didn’t give people grace to learn or grow in my presence, I wanted people to come to me fully formed (a grown ass man/woman). As if that weren’t bad enough, I wanted people to accept the half grown human I was. In my defense(!) I thought I was a grown ass woman.
P.S. I didn’t get to share the good news with my friends that I blocked him… I had cried wolf far too many times for them to want to hear it at all.
P.P.S.Turns out you can change, but people who liked the old you are not going to let it go easily.
The Wordy Over Thinker 