I am a month away from being 25 and I have never been in a real relationship. Sure, I’ve flirted and been on a few dates here and there. I’ve gotten close to guys, seen their vulnerabilities and shared my own. I have showed my big personality and waited for the initial novelty to wear off–everyone thinks they want a big personality, i.e. bold and confident in themselves (beliefs and actions). But then when that big personality is me… I like hard and love harder. I genuinely care about people, and I don’t even have to meet them to care about them. So imagine being the target of love from someone who legitimately loves EVERYONE. I’ve had a couple guys tell me that they think they love me, I’ve even said it back. Now you may wonder how a guy I said, “I love you” to didn’t get to boyfriend status. Well to be fair I was a child (not actually) who had no idea what the difference between infatuation and love was.
With the first couple guys who showed interest in me, I was HOOKED. I was completely overlooked in my middle and high schools, and actually had a guy tell me I should consider plastic surgery (when I was just 12). Now kids are mean, but I think everyone can understand my self esteem was SHATTERED by this point in my life. I mistook infatuation and lust for love. But because I loved them I did not think twice about them loving me back. I took them at their word and was crushed when it didn’t work.
Most recently I have been enjoying the pursuit of a couple guys…
4 years later… reading through my drafts… The pursuits didn’t work out. I’ve moved 2x + temporarily “moved back” to my parents. I’ve been on literally no dates… man life really played a joke on me. (2021 addition)
I returned to my hidden status… But I’m partially to blame… I don’t want to be found on dating sites, the options were far too powerful. What I do want is to be intentionally asked out, yet I think if someone I did not know asked me out, I’d probably say no… or not understand? I am impossibly BAD at flirting. And I had no idea until recently, at a bachelorette party when one member of the party was flirted with numerous times throughout the weekend and I have an interaction at a bar replaying in my head on repeat. It went something like: Guy at bar, “I like your outfit” Me (dressed as Puss in Boots very much not at Halloween), “thanks!” turns on my heel and walks away with my drink immediately returning to the table. In this moment I realized, I’m in deep xxxx if the only thing I can say to a guy who is obviously flirting is “THANKS!”. Especially now that the beginning draft of this post is 5 years old. I hope the guy who is out there praying I’m single and bad at flirting is ready to put in the WORK when he gives it his best shot.
The Wordy Over Thinker 