In 2005, there was a bag at Target that all of us had to have. It was a rubbery bag (that matched our jelly shoes) in pink or blue with an initial on it. Most of the girls got their last name initial on it, but me… in 5th grade… decided I needed my first initial because I didn’t want to get my last for when my name changed–when I got married. In freaking 5th grade, I was thinking about keeping a silly plastic tote bag until I was grown and married. The 2 things I take away from this: I have always been someone who picked things with the intent of keeping them for a very long time (how sustainable of me) AND I definitely thought I’d be married by now. Now, I kept that bag a long time but, I either donated or trashed that bag sometime in high school. Which is hilarious that I, as a 10 year old, bought a trendy bag expecting to have it into my adulthood and also reminds me that I can just do things in the moment for the moment (i.e. I could have gotten the last initial on the bag, my sweet little girl). I don’t remember when I got rid of it, heck it could still be in my closet at my parents house. But I do remember the times I’ve cleaned out the closet and thought about the sweet little girl who chose the “K” on that blue bag, keeping it long after it was out of style.
As a child, I never saw myself married YOUNG. I remember feeling that 22 was too young to be married, which was what my cousin always said she wanted (since we were kids). I never really had an age in mind but that sweet 10 year old definitely never saw herself single at 20 or 25 or 29. And I mean SING-LE.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t on my radar of things to really care about. I would get some male attention and I would think maybe it could go somewhere, but it never did. I always just figured it would happen when it happened. But as I approach 30, the lack of going somewhere is starting to become frustrating. I was 25, in the middle of COVID, overly intoxicated the first time I cried (on a beach to my mom) that I wanted a boyfriend. I was trying hard to push down the Miss Independent strength I project, unsuccessfully… to the point that I haven’t had a single date in the last few years. I get it, I’m a person who goes all in and falls hard. I want to date to get married. And that person isn’t made for “dating” but I do have to have some dates to get to the next part, right?
I am so happy for all the people in my life who’ve found their person. I am currently surrounded by people who are in love and eating my vacation time with their love. I’ve been to 3 weddings in the last year, 1 bach trip, 2 invites hanging on my fridge for 2024 weddings. I love celebrating them and I’m in no way jealous of what they have–I just want someone there to celebrate with me? Is there a word for that? I know it sounds like jealousy, but it doesn’t feel like envy. Like I told my friend–whose younger brother is also married (but has kids)–while she is single, it is not that I don’t love my brother and SIL. It’s not that I don’t want to be an aunt, I know that I will have the most fun being an aunt! I just thought that when it came time for my brother and I to have families, we would do it together. And as the older sister, I’m falling behind. Somehow, I always knew he would marry before me. I guess it really isn’t that big of a mystery of how/why since guys really do have it a smidge easier when it comes to the dating thing if they can just ask girls out. Sure rejection is scary, but if you can get past that part you can get a date purely based on just a numbers game. Whereas a girl, who wants to be pursued, is stuck.
I love my roommate, he is a great person, but I am ready for a space that everything is mine/ours not yours and mine. I want someone who cares if I come home at night.
Most of the time, I’m out here living my life: working, going to church, entertaining friends at the Parks, going on trips. Doing things in my life to actually have to tell someone about. But every once in a while, my contentment is over shadowed.
The Wordy Over Thinker 