It’s a strange phenomenon mourning the life you knew, when you weren’t even in a good place.
In How I Met Your Mother, they called it “graduation goggles”. But it’s not that I am looking back fondly on a situation that was hard. Trust me! I remember every single thing I complained about, and so does my mom. I struggled daily with loneliness, feeling unwanted, and being lied to in this house. So, why am I so sad to see it empty out? Why am I sad to see my house, that was never a home, become not our house? I genuinely cannot answer this question, and if any therapists want to take a stab at it, go for it!
As my house was covered in boxes and a moving truck had been sitting in my driveway for 3 days, ringing in my ears was the line “you are mourning a life you didn’t even enjoy”.
I think the reality is I am mourning the potential. This house had SUCH potential. A pretty kitchen, lots of storage, good yard. It saw a couple parties, none that felt particularly welcoming and always left me feeling more like an outsider.
These people had SUCH potential to be my people. I had friendship in them. I had journal entries of fun things we did, my hopes and prayers for them and us, and videos of all the silly things. But in an instant, it all stopped. It’s not that we were more busy, in fact there were countless days of being in common spaces to literally see NO ONE, even when they were home. In an instant, I lost friends I thought I’d have forever. I lost a shared life and became a person who shared space (barely).
I want to clarify, I still want good for them. I just wish it was good with them.
Things I will not miss about this house:
- The long drive to work
- The distance from friends
- The terrible landlord company
- The weeds 🙃
- The bare walls
The Wordy Over Thinker 